Movies

DVD Review: Life Blood

Life Blood

Lionsgate

A lesbian couple (who don’t seem all that interested in each other) dies in a car crash in 1963.  God, who works part time as a waitress, offers them a second chance at life, on the condition that they use it to ‘devour’ evil.  In doing so, they will live forever.  It’s all a convoluted way to say that they’re vampires.

God says to the brunette girl (I’m sure they had names, but I don’t remember) that despite being soldiers of god, they are not necessarily ‘good.’  They may use their powers for evil, which is what she fears the blond girl will do; but brunette (Anya Lahiri) isn’t about to live forever without the girl whom she has an unconvincing relationship with.  So god, unwilling to make the offer to any of the millions of other people (almost all of whom have far more potential as crime fighters) that died that day, resurrects them both.

The movie would have benefited from building up this supposed relationship between the two women, so that the conflicts to come would have some impact.  Instead, we get a brief kissing scene which has all the emotion you’d expect when two strangers are paid to kiss in front of a camera for five minutes.  After that, one of them does something either good or bad (depending on what the truth (which we never really learn) is) and then the two argue about it and die.

When they return, inexplicably forty years later, blond (played by Sophie Monk) chooses almost instantly to be evil; I’m not sure why, as they never bothered to develop her character in the slightest.  They then steal a car and drive to a gas station called Murder World, where blond proceeds to murder.

Neither of them is given much to work with, script wise, but they don’t seem to be putting in much effort either.  Monk is okay, as her character is supposed to be cold and heartless, so her monotonous acting almost seems intentional.  Lahiri sounds like she’s reading the script for the first time off a teleprompter just off screen.

 

If there’s one slight compliment I can give the movie; it’s the fact that blond is a flawless killing machine.  This isn’t a movie where a plucky band of survivors evades and defeats the monster, losing only a few along the way.  Blond kills everyone she comes in contact with, rather effectively.

There are three cops on the vampires’ trail.  One is played by Danny Woodburn, the little person from Seinfeld.  Charles Napier plays the sexist sheriff, who’s character is overly hammy, and Jennifer Tung plays the female officer who is degraded by Napier.  The cops add almost nothing to the film, other than some well-timed cannon-fodder.  There’s no real mystery element; and despite being cliches, they aren’t funny.

The film spends far too much time in the gas station.  It’s pretty much the entire movie.  I’m not sure why they even bothered with the god and devouring evil thing.  Just make them random vampires; at least then it wouldn’t feel like something was missing.

Producer 1:  Hey, let’s make a movie about lesbian vampires!

Producer 2: Awesome, we’ll start filming tomorrow!

Producer 1: Shouldn’t we write a script, or audition actors first?”

Producer 2: No.

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